Within Every Breath
by bluesynow
Summary: Modern day. EC. For the last five years I have been on the run from my husband. Now that I'm settled in small town, under a different name and identity, I can finally start life anew and maybe forget the love I hold for a very dangerous man. If he ever finds me, I don't know what I'll do...
1. Chapter 1

The hardest moments were the unexpected memories. When I would be going about my day, no self indulgent thoughts passing my brain, no rumination on the past, and yet all of a sudden- I remember him. Like a slap in the face. I see his face, hear his voice, feel his touch.

These memories were at times so intense, I would be momentarily blinded to the world. Never knew how or why they would invade me. Sometimes they were provoked by the simplest things, turning on a lamp, washing the dishes, mundane chores. Then I would see him, peeking through my mind's eye.

Over time however, I found tricks to stop these feelings right in their tracks. At least before they became too much. You know the saying "Idle hands lead to idle minds"? Well it is actually quite true. Throughout these past five years my primary focus has been to always keep busy. So I did just that-who has time to think when there is work to be done!

Constant side jobs, volunteer work, time consuming projects. I once uprooted the entire line of bushes in my back yard, countless hours of back breaking gardening, only to replant the same line months later. Despite the unhealthy tinge in my lower back, my torn fingernails, sweaty clothes, it was as if the smell of soil on my skin and the soreness of my muscles could calm my mind into silence. And I wouldn't think about him. For at least a while.

Sometimes I would have a warning. Those days were the worst. No matter how much I tried, whatever affort I placed upon myself to halt the memory of him….he always won.

Once upon waking, I opened my eyes to the empty space beside me and the bedsheets suddenly felt bitterly cold. I remade the bed, dressed and tried not to dwell on it too much.

Hours later after my shift at the diner, work at the Granger's and food shopping for the week, I finally made my way back home. But the moment I placed the grocery bags on my kitchen table the oddest feeling overtook me. Standing alone in that room, the house seemed to echo in its silence.

I felt uneasy. Skin itching with anticipation. The torrid of thoughts growing within me.

With a sudden curse I flung off my winter coat, my clothes, and changed into running gear. Before I knew it, I was pounding the dirt path near my house and began running into the rapidly dimming sunlight. Blood pumping, air rasping, sweating pores. It felt good. I felt alive. And I concentrated every semblance of thought into the placement of my feet and the rhythm of my breath.

'Just keep running', I told myself. 'Just keep…. running.'

And it worked. A little over an hour later, I returned home drenched from head to toe. A full 10K achieved. Not my best time, but better than nothing. After kicking off my muddy, running shoes, I made my way into the kitchen for some much needed water.

"Oh damnit Christine!" I exclaimed. There on the table laid the forgotten grocery bags. "The fish definitely went bad."

Although there wasn't much of a questionable smell coming from the halibut, I didn't want to risk food poising. Embarrassingly I dumped the fish into the trash.

Then it hit me….

"Unbelievable," I said throwing the stew into the trash. Scrapping the plate clean, I made my way to the sink to clean the dish. I tried to fight off my annoyance and anger. I knew how he can be when he works. Food is the last thing on his mind when he stays in his study into the long hours of the night. I snapped the running water off.

Usually I leave these things alone, but this is the third time this week he refused to eat the food I made for him. With indignation suddenly I barged into his study. Flinging open the door, there I found him. Sitting, looking over his notes in deep concentration.

"Erik," I said. He didn't look up. Didn't even flinch. I waited a moment for some sign of acknowledgment. My hand clenched the held doorknob a little harder.

"I see you didn't eat your dinner last night. Left it on the stove for you and it was left out all night." His head hunched over his desk, never once did he look up. Not once did his hand stop writing. "Look I know how I get when you work, but Erik you have to eat."

Silence answered me. If anything he seemed to scribble harder and faster onto the page. As if the sound of my voice alone could ruin his thought process. I waited, feigning patience. Waiting for some sign that he heard me. Waiting for the smallest apologetic sign. Nothing.

"So you know what, I'm just going to not make dinner anymore and you can do whatever you want!" I said a little too loudly. A childish sense of bitterness taking over.

I stormed out of the room and made my way into the bedroom. Quickly, I changed for bed and threw myself into the folds of my bed. After a few moments of tossing and turning I finally settled down.

A sigh escaped me as I looked out our bedroom window. I knew I had reason to be annoyed, but my reaction was a bit dramatic. I had to wonder as to why I was just so angry. It's not like he hasn't done this before. The periods when he becomes immersed in work, whether its music, his inventions, a new business venture, Erik is fully committed and dedicated. When deep in thoughtful creation, although he can be in the next room, in reality he is miles away.

Everything else becomes secondary. Food, talking, even me.

Then I knew...I missed him. Not once this week has he slept in our bed. Not once have I felt his fingertips grazing my skin. I longed for him.

Suddenly the bed gently dipped behind me. I felt him, a presence consuming the air. I laid in silence, trying to still my breathing. But it was impossible. The room slowly began to fill with that inexplicable thing he has, a sort of electrical current sending my nerves aflame.

The space between us pulsed with that feeling.

"Have you calmed down?" He whispered. His tone was mocking, as if he was parenting a child. My body shot up in an instant. I turned and look at him incredulously.

The smallest smile played upon his face. I saw him look me up and down.

Following his eyes, I glanced down to my chest. My nipples were hard and visible through the fabric of my tank top. Drawing a deep breath, I purposefully expanded my chest. I looked back to him, and watched his gaze harden as he looked at my body.

"No I haven't calmed down," I whispered back. "Why don't you go back to what you were doing. We can talk in the morning…if your not too busy with your work that is."

He eyes flicked up to meet mine. I bit my bottom lip in anger and murmured, "I don't want to fight right now."

His voice is beautiful, deep and rich. But when silent, his gaze alone can speak volumes. I knew he was reading me. Almost as if he knew my thoughts clear as day.

"Really Erik," I said. "I'm tired."

"That's too bad," he said. "Because I'm not."

Like lightening he grabbed me, pulling me flesh to his body. The hardness of him stole my breath away. His lips crashed into mine….

The memory ended as abruptly as it had appeared. I blinked rapidly.

Once again I stood above my trash can, hands suspended in air. The memory of him pervading every part of my being. The feel of him was so strong, the memory so impossibly real that I felt the space between my legs warm. My lips burned as if I had just been kissed. I panted through my parted mouth, an unnamed passion sighing into the empty room.

Gingerly I reached my hand up and touched my face. I was crying. A choking feeling filled my chest and throat. Pathetically I placed my hands on my face, sobbing. My loneliness, my situation, my past, my future, and my life, whatever that might be now, consumed me. So I stood there with nothing better to do but cry in the middle of my modest kitchen.

"Stop it Christine," I told myself. "You don't miss him."

I can never be with him again. This I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.

He did the unthinkable- the unforgivable. Things so terrible I just cannot- despite how my soul cries out for him- be near him. That is why I ran away. That is why I have lived in obscurity these last five years, under a false name, living a life that never really felt like it belonged to me. Pathetically I cried till exhaustion took over.

You see... I stilled loved him and I knew that I always would. There would never be anyone else for me. So inevitably I will always be alone, till my dying day. However above all, I cried because I knew that I loved my husband even though he's a monster. Even though he's a murderer.


	2. Chapter 2

It was in mid-November when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

In one night, one moment of weakness, I betrayed myself. But you have to understand, being on the run for the last five years has whittled me down to the very core. Living under a new alias in each new town, answering to names different than my own, pretending to be someone that I am not-it has taken every inch of my soul to not have a complete nervous breakdown.

I felt like I belonged nowhere. The truth is, I never really did. The only place that ever felt like home was with my husband. And I can never go there again.

So when I found myself settling in this small, mountainous town of Oregon, for the first time in five years I felt comfortable in my own skin. I called myself Sandra. Found myself an adorable, solitary house. Nice and secluded. Surrounded by the misty trees and unending forest, a little more than a mile from town. I began working in a wholesome diner with lovely townsfolk for customers, and found a perfect side job caring for an elderly couple in my free time.

Everything started to feel…well normal. Like I wasn't on the run. Like I was just another normal woman living a normal life.

For more than a year I enjoyed life as Sandra. But as I would soon find out, I became too comfortable. I should have known better than to ever let my guard down.

It all began when I had to come to terms with a rather big, embarrassing mistake I had made. One afternoon as fall took over summer, and everything turned cold.

I quickly walked out of the grocery store, a bitter breeze blowing about me. Dinner's ingredients in my arms, ready for the making. I thought tonight the Grangers might enjoy some nice, hearty split pea soup. Hopefully help fight away the nasty chest cold both had been battling.

"Sandra!" A voice called. I turned my head to see Meg coming out of the general store. Blond hair bouncing wildly as she jogs up to me. "Where were you the other night? Thought maybe you'd stop at the bar for a drink and watch the game."

I waved in welcome. "Sorry, I know I said I'd stop by." Opening the car door I put the bags on the passenger seat of my pick up truck. "Completely slipped my mind. Did we win at least?"

"No," she said laughing. "Harry damn near lost his head screaming, cursing at the TV. Swear to god Sandra I'm always happy when hockey season ends, because one day he's going to pop a blood vessel the way he goes on."

I laughed. "Did he fix the dishwasher for you yet?"

"As a matter of fact, no he did not. Ugh…remind me why I married him again."

"Because you love him?" I said with a small smile.

"Yea..there's that." She said pouting. I laughed a little to myself. Pulling out my car keys I made my way towards the driver's seat.

"I'm free tomorrow night if you want to-" Meg began waving her hand in my face, shushing me. As she looked distractedly behind me, a sly grin spread across her face.

"Oh boy, don't look now but here comes your knight in shinning armor."

"What?" I turned, following her gaze. Across the street a police car pulls to the curb and double parks. Raoul steps out. "Oh no!" I said ducking my head.

"I said don't look!" Lightly slapping my shoulder she laughs.

"Uh..um I have to go anyway. I'll call you later." I made my way to open the door.

"Are you seriously running away! Jeeze louise."

"I am not running away! I have to make dinner for Mr. and Mrs. Granger. You know that."

"Oh, so you don't mind that Raoul is looking right at you."

"He is?"

"He is."

"Like directly or…never mind I have to go."

"Afternoon Meg." His voice calls out.

"Afternoon Sheriff!" I'm about to close the car door, when Meg suddenly reaches out and grasps it's edge, holding the door wide open. "Lovely day isn't it?"

"Let go of the door!" I desperately whisper. I hear his footsteps coming closer until finally he's standing there, right in front of me. Looking perfectly handsome, as he always does.

"Sandra," he said politely. With no other choice but to face the music, I turn my gaze to meet his own. Suddenly that night flashes before my eyes.

Both of us drinking at Harrys; me slowly getting tipsy, him slowly flirting. Myself loosening with each beer, and his touches getting more and more daring. I knew I was in trouble.

I always wondered if Raoul felt a little something for me. From the moment we met, his gaze always stayed on me a moment too long. His eyes were always seeking out my own. Anytime I aloud myself a small night out-whether its in the local town bar, or elsewhere, he would always pop up. A smile ready to send my way. A conversation ready to begin.

And this one night, I indulged him. I laughed at his jokes. I stood too close to him. I smiled just for him.

And there it was. That desirous look again. His gaze slowly undressing me. The kind that makes your skin itch all over, your breath thicken, your whole body conscious of his very presence. But I'm ashamed to say that I liked it. It had been so long since someone looked at me that way. For years I just felt so lonely. So unpretty. So unwanted.

"Can I get another round! Sandra what kind of beer you drinking again?" Raoul asked me as he casually put his arm around my shoulder. Slowly I leaned into him, feeling his body pressing against my own. I was so close, I could distinctly smell his cologne. His neck radiated a heat, and as I moved closer I felt the strongest desire to kiss him. Feel the strong, steady pulse under his jaw. Maybe I could quicken it, I thought with a grin. I could always do that with Erik-

Like a cold splash of water on my face, the warning bells began to ring. No matter what I may look like to these people and no matter how I act, I knew the real truth to my situation.

I knew if I stayed in this bar a moment longer….I would give in.

I jerked away from Raoul suddenly. "Um actually I better get going," I meekly whispered.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired. I'll see you around." Throwing on my coat quickly, I didn't spare him a moment to say another word to me.

I was out the door like a flash, but before I could even process what to say or do next, Raoul was right there beside me, walking me home. At some point we began holding hands, and then eventually he kisses me. I don't stop him. In fact, I kissed him back, and harder.

I could blame it on the booze. I could blame it on my circumstance. But the truth of the matter is that I wanted him. I wanted, just for one night, to be desired and touched and loved. I wanted to have fun and feel like a woman, the way only a man can make you feel. So I went home with him.

I blink myself back to the present moment. Trying and failing to look casual.

"Hello Raoul," I smiled broadly. "How are you?"

"Fine, just fine thanks." He smiled with such a complete sincerity, I felt a blush grow on my cheeks.

"Oh boy…" Meg said as she pats down her pant pockets. "Hold on a second where did I put my phone-"

She digs her hands into her coat pocket and delivers me the quickest look, a devilish glint in her eye. Releasing a laugh, Meg waved her hands in the air. "I think I left it in the store. I gotta go! I'll see you Sandra!"

"Meg!" She jogs off. "…..Bye."

An uncomfortable silence spreads between Raoul and myself. I stand suspended in space and want nothing more than to jump in the driver's seat and tear down the road.

"Cold isn't it?" He asks abruptly.

"Yeah," I reply too quickly, rubbing my arms for emphasis. "Very cold."

"So I haven't heard from you in a while," he began. "I mean since we…you know…hung out."

"I've been pretty busy lately," I began. "Sorry about that."

"How have you been, everything good?"

"Yep," I bite my lip.

Raoul steps closer. His foot lifts and props in the car doorway. His other hand leans against the car's roof. I feel his magnetic body, tugging and urging me closer. Casually, but albeit purposefully, he leans towards me.

"I was hoping, if you feel like it, we can hang out? Again?" He smiles and looks up at me.

"I don't know." Bitting my lip, I look to the ground and avoid his gaze.

"Come on?" He said. "Why not? We had fun didn't we?"

"We did." I smiled. "It's just… I don't think we should-I should get involved."

"Sandra," Raoul whispers, leaning closer. "I'd really love to see you again."

"Oh Raoul," A sigh escaped me. "I'm just so mortified at what I did-well what I said. I just-"

"Hey, its okay."

I blinked, my head snapped up to look him fully in the eyes. I was astounded at how generous this man was, especially after how I treated him.

That night as I lay in Raoul's bed, our limbs twine and move, until finally we parted, utterly spent. Suddenly he asks, "Who's Erik?"

"What?" My throat closes. I feel like I'm choking.

"You called me Erik."

"No-no I didn't." He glanced at me for a moment then quickly looked at the ceiling, annoyance and anger playing upon his delicate features.

"Really Raoul I didn't I-I…oh my god…I'm-I'm…I'm so sorry. Excuse me." I tear myself from his bedsheets and sprint for the bathroom. Moments later, finally finding the courage to face him again, I reentered the bedroom to find Raoul gone. Tears unabashedly fell down my face, the excuses, the story dying away in my throat. I quickly put on my clothes and left the house.

A few days after our one night stand, my afternoon jog took me along the outskirts of town, and as I sweated, my mind going free and blank in running bliss, I see Raoul dressed in his police uniform speaking to an elderly man on the curbside. I nearly tripped on my own feet as he sharply looks up and squarely met my eyes. I could feel the heat of embarrassment crawling up my neck and face.

So I had only one option, I literally ran away from him. Like a coward I made an embarrassing about face and ran in the opposite direction of Raoul.

"Hey Sandra, hold on a second I want to talk to you!" I heard him call out. But I kept running.

And the further and further I ran, the more acute and clearer that one moment became.

Our limbs intertwined, sweaty and grinding. My eyes were closed and suddenly the thick biceps I grasped became leaner, the muscles more sinewy. The back I felt was not as muscular, it became broader, the shoulder blades wrapped in delicate, yet pronounced muscle tone. The stubble on his chin even felt different. His right cheek grazed my face, and the features felt so familiar.

As we moved, the man that held me became another man from my memory. And the feelings within me enflamed to such a heightened degree. My body moved more eagerly, meeting his thrusts as impassioned as his own. And as it grew, till its finally climatic moment, his voice swelled with his own passion.

I gasped, "Erik!"

Yet here we were. Any other man would have never forgiven me. But not him. Raoul. Sweet, sincere and caring Raoul. Oh I wish I had met you instead, those many years ago. You are the kind of man I should have fallen in love with.

Raoul placed a hand on my arm. "I'm over it. Look its not every day a woman calls out another man's name when you know-" His eyebrows raised in mockery, "they're getting funky."

"Funky?" I laughed. I put my hands over my face and smiled in embarrassment. "Is that what they're calling it nowadays?"

"Yeah, I'm all up to date on the new slang. I'm very hip." We smile at one another, beaming.

"Raoul you have to understand," I said. "I was in a relationship with that man for a long time….and also he was the only man I ever, well you know…"

"I understand Sandy." He interrupted, saving me from my embarrassing rambling.

"Sandy?" I asked.

"Yeah why not," he smiled. "You don't really look like a Sandra."

For reasons he would never know or understand, a definitive, chilling spike of fear traveled down my spine.

"So I think maybe you need a little nick name." He continued. "Look I'm willing to wait. If you need time, I have plenty of it to give. I really like you, and I thought we were having a great time until…"

He coughed, not sure of how to continue. Suddenly, before I could even think, I reached out and lightly kissed his cheek. "I better get going the Grangers are waiting for me. I'll see you around?"

Raoul smile broadly and nodded.

Starting up the car, I pulled out of the driveway. Within the rear view mirror there he stood, watching me go.

As I started to drive away I thought "Sandy," I smiled. "I think I like it."


End file.
